My beloved brothers and sisters and fellow readers of The Urantia Book,
The moderators of this website do their best to stay in the background and allow conversations to proceed without undue interference; we do not want participants to feel that they are constantly being scrutinized for every word they might utter. From time to time however we find it necessary to intervene either via direct contact with an individual participant or through a general posting such as this one. We have observed that several recent threads have contained posts that could be described as vexatious, belligerent, surly, and judgemental. It has become necessary to reaffirm the first rule or guiding principle relating to what is acceptable behaviour on this website:
- Be kind, fair, respectful and courteous at all times without personal attacks or foul language.
Notwithstanding that certain topics can provoke strong feelings such as anger, frustration, or resentment, this in no way excuses violations of the above stated rule. Persistent violations by any individual will not be tolerated. Offending individuals are always given a personal and private warning before any further action is taken. It is hoped that these procedures will not be seen as heavy-handed or authoritarian by the readership. Our over-riding objective is to create and maintain a friendly and supportive environment that will encourage even the timid and inexperienced to contribute their ideas and opinions.
As we share in the fellowship of the Spirit of Truth, let us always bear in mind these words of exhortation from our Master:
“Anger is a material manifestation which represents, in a general way, the measure of the failure of the spiritual nature to gain control of the combined intellectual and physical natures. Anger indicates your lack of tolerant brotherly love plus your lack of self-respect and self-control. Anger depletes the health, debases the mind, and handicaps the spirit teacher of man’s soul. Have you not read in the Scriptures that wrath kills the foolish man,' and that mantears himself in his anger’? That he who is slow of wrath is of great understanding,' whilehe who is hasty of temper exalts folly’? You all know that a soft answer turns away wrath,' and howgrievous words stir up anger.’ Discretion defers anger,' whilehe who has no control over his own self is like a defenseless city without walls.’ Wrath is cruel and anger is outrageous.'Angry men stir up strife, while the furious multiply their transgressions.’ `Be not hasty in spirit, for anger rests in the bosom of fools.'” Before Jesus ceased speaking, he said further: “Let your hearts be so dominated by love that your spirit guide will have little trouble in delivering you from the tendency to give vent to those outbursts of animal anger which are inconsistent with the status of divine sonship.” P.1673:2
In conclusion, I would also like to draw your attention to the principles and practices of Non-Violent Communication which I believe are pertinent to the subject at hand. This brief summary has been taken from the Wikipedia article on NVC. As with all extra-UB material, feel free to accept what is useful and reject the rest. Love to all!
NONVIOLENT COMMUNICATION
NVC Theory
Overview
Nonviolent Communication holds that most conflicts between individuals or groups arise from miscommunication about their human needs, due to coercive or manipulative language that aims to induce fear, guilt, shame, etc. These “violent” modes of communication, when used during a conflict, divert the attention of the participants away from clarifying their needs, their feelings, their perceptions, and their requests, thus perpetuating the conflict.
Assumptions
- All human beings share the same needs
- Our world offers sufficient resources for meeting everyone’s basic needs
- All actions are attempts to meet needs
- Feelings point to needs being met or unmet
- All human beings have the capacity for compassion
- Human beings enjoy giving
- Human beings meet needs through interdependent relationships
- Human beings change
- Choice is internal
- The most direct path to peace is through self-connection
Intentions
- Open-Hearted Living
- Self-compassion
- Expressing from the heart
- Receiving with compassion
- Prioritizing connection
- Moving beyond “right” and “wrong” to using needs-based assessments
- Choice, Responsibility, Peace
- Taking responsibility for our feelings
- Taking responsibility for our actions
- Living in peace with unmet needs
- Increasing capacity for meeting needs
- Increasing capacity for meeting the present moment
- Sharing Power (Partnership)
- Caring equally for everyone’s needs
- Using force minimally and to protect rather than to educate, punish, or get what we want without agreement
Communication that blocks compassion
NVC suggests that certain ways of communicating tend to alienate people from the experience of compassion: ([29] ch.2)
- Moralistic judgmentsimplying wrongness or badness on the part of people who don’t act in harmony with our values. Blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticisms, comparisons, and diagnoses are all said to be forms of judgment. (Moralistic judgments are not to be confused with value judgments as to the qualities we value.) The use of moralistic judgments is characterized as an impersonal way of expressing oneself that does not require one to reveal what is going on inside of oneself. This way of speaking is said to have the result that “Our attention is focused on classifying, analyzing, and determining levels of wrongness rather than on what we and others need and are not getting.”
- Demandsthat implicitly or explicitly threaten listeners with blame or punishment if they fail to comply.
- Denial of responsibilityvia language that obscures awareness of personal responsibility. It is said that we deny responsibility for our actions when we attribute their cause to: vague impersonal forces (“I had to”); our condition, diagnosis, personal or psychological history; the actions of others; the dictates of authority; group pressure; institutional policy, rules, and regulations; gender roles, social roles, or age roles; or uncontrollable impulses.
- Making comparisonsbetween people.
- A premise ofdeserving, that certain actions merit reward while others merit punishment.
Four components
NVC invites practitioners to focus attention on four components:
- Observation: the facts (what we are seeing, hearing, or touching) as distinct from our evaluation of meaning and significance. NVC discourages static generalizations. It is said that “When we combine observation with evaluation others are apt to hear criticism and resist what we are saying.” Instead, a focus on observations specific to time and context is recommended. ([29]3)
- Feelings: emotions or sensations, free of thought and story. These are to be distinguished from thoughts (e.g., “I feel I didn’t get a fair deal”) and from words colloquially used as feelings but which convey what we think we are (e.g., “inadequate”), how we think others are evaluating us (e.g., “unimportant”), or what we think others are doing to us (e.g., “misunderstood”, “ignored”). Feelings are said to reflect whether we are experiencing our needs as met or unmet. Identifying feelings is said to allow us to more easily connect with one another, and “Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable by expressing our feelings can help resolve conflicts.” ([29]4)
- Needs: universal human needs, as distinct from particular strategies for meeting needs. It is posited that “Everything we do is in service of our needs.”[30]
- Request: request for a specific action, free of demand. Requests are distinguished from demands in that one is open to hearing a response of “no” without this triggering an attempt to force the matter. If one makes a request and receives a “no” it is recommended not that one give up, but that one empathize with what is preventing the other person from saying “yes,” before deciding how to continue the conversation. It is recommended that requests use clear, positive, concrete action language. ([29]6)
Modes
There are three primary modes of application of NVC:
- Self-empathyinvolves compassionately connecting with what is going on inside us. This may involve, without blame, noticing the thoughts and judgments we are having, noticing our feelings, and most critically, connecting to the needs that are affecting us. ([30] 4)
- Receiving empathically, in NVC, involves “connection with what’s alive in the other person and what would make life wonderful for them… It’s not an understanding of the head where we just mentally understand what another person says… Empathic connection is an understanding of the heart in which we see the beauty in the other person, the divine energy in the other person, the life that’s alive in them.. It doesn’t mean we have to feel the same feelings as the other person. That’s sympathy, when we feel sad that another person is upset. It doesn’t mean we have the same feelings; it means we are with the other person… If you’re mentally trying to understand the other person, you’re not present with them.” ([30]5) Empathy involves “emptying the mind and listening with our whole being.” NVC suggests that however the other person expresses themselves, we focus on listening for the underlying observations, feelings, needs, and requests. It is suggested that it can be useful to reflect a paraphrase of what another person has said, highlighting the NVC components implicit in their message, such as the feelings and needs you guess they may be expressing. ([29] ch.7)
- Expressing honestly, in NVC, is likely to involve expressing an observation, feeling, need, and request. An observation may be omitted if the context of the conversation is clear. A feeling might be omitted if there is sufficient connection already, or the context is one where naming a feeling isn’t likely to contribute to connection. It is said that naming a need in addition to a feeling makes it less likely that people will think you are making them responsible for your feeling. Similarly, it is said that making a request in addition to naming a need makes it less likely that people will infer a vague demand that they address your need. The components are thought to work together synergistically. According to NVC trainer Bob Wentworth, “an observation sets the context, feelings support connection and getting out of our heads, needs support connection and identify what is important, and a request clarifies what sort of response you might enjoy. Using these components together minimizes the chances of people getting lost in potentially disconnecting speculation about what you want from them and why.”[31]
Source: Wikipedia
