nelsong wrote: But seriously, when we forgive it likely has little if any impact on the person being forgiven . . . .
Oh, I think it does have an impact. It may not be conscious, but as go the parts, so go the whole. There’s no question that the person whom one holds a grudge against suffers from that grudge. When the grudge is released, there has to be less suffering on both ends. Look at Jesus and Judas Iscariot. Judas held a grudge against him and Jesus suffered horribly. If Judas had forgiven Jesus, Jesus would not have suffered, at least not by his hand. No, I think there is a real dynamic relationship between the forgiver and the “forgivee”.
Here’s a personal story, as an example. I have a friend. We’ve known each other for almost 25 years. We’ve shared everything. Our kids grew up together and we’ve each gone through and shared some truly horrendous experiences. Let’s just say that she knows where all the bodies are buried, and she’s the only one who knows, so that’s a bond that cannot be broken.
Well, she decided to get remarried a few years back, and asked me to be her maid of honor. Allow me to offer some advice, once you pass 60, you shouldn’t be a maid of honor in a big church wedding. That aside, it was the most difficult experience of our entire relationship. She turned into bridezilla, a she-devil shrew so horrific that I don’t even think reality TV could have handled her; she was off the charts.
It upset me but I had to hold back. Problem was, when the wedding was over, I never let it go. I had seen a side of her that I actually hated, if you can hate someone you’re supposed to care about. Every time I saw her, I couldn’t help but also see bridezilla, that villainous virago. And I did really, really hate that side of her.
So for years I let it just sit there without dealing with it. I did not forgive bridezilla, but I had no problem with the other side of her personality, the side I thought I knew best. She, however, always sensed that something was wrong. She feared the end of our friendship, she cried about not having the same level of camaraderie; and I blamed it all on her marriage to avoid telling her how much I hate her evil side. She suffered until I finally told her. She was shocked, she cried some more, and secretly I don’t think she really believed that she was as bad as I said she was . . . but that’s another story. I had to forgive bridezilla and bury the beast in order for her to feel comfortable again.
Personally, I really didn’t want to bury the thing. I wanted to keep sticking it with pins because it was so vile and contemptible, it deserved to die a long and painful death, so I thought. But only when I forgave her was the thing finally dead, and our relationship returned to its former glory. Anyway . . . longwinded story about nothing except that forgiveness does affect those forgiven as well as those who forgive.
